Friday, January 1, 2010

Having a little faith. (a follow up to my New Year post)

Trust is tough. For me, trust and control go hand in hand. I feel the constant need for control in situations and my own life is no different. I always want to have a plan. I always want to be in control, right there in the driver's seat behind the wheel.

One of the most powerful moments for me, personally and spiritually, happened this summer while preparing a staff training session at camp. I found a song on my itunes playlist that I'd listened to a million times - it is from Scrubs and I love that soundtrack. The name of the song is "Waiting for my real life to begin" by Colin Hay. Here's the youtube for it:

I encourage you to listen to the song. I've posted the lyrics below as well. 

In listening to this song at that particular moment, I had the type of moment that I've only experienced once before in my life. An impacting, thought-provoking type of moment. Ironically, both of these moments have happened up on "the Mountain" - and there is no doubt why that is. 

In this moment, I realized that the control of my life is not in my hands. I do have a plan, and it is good to have a plan. Goals, ambition, those are all great things. Yet, like in the song, you can't let that plan get in the way. Colin Hay sings:

 "But don't you understand
I already have a plan  
I'm waiting for my real life to begin"

And that is me – I’m constantly planning. Reaching one goal just puts another in my sight. Finish undergrad? Get a Master’s. Get married? Buy a house. Have two dogs? Get a cat. I’m in control. While I trust others, ultimately I put all control in my own hands. And yet the one person I should trust the most, the one whose plan matters the most, I’ve continued to ignore. I just can’t be still, open my heart, and let my light shine in.

When I had that moment with this song by Colin Hay, I was sitting in the director's office of Camp Gailor Maxon. I took the lyrics to my staff and we had one of the most insightful discussions I've ever experienced. And yet it has taken another 6 months for me to reflect and realize what the point of the moment was.

Time will tell if I listen to the message sent to me in this message - whether I decide to let go of the steering wheel and let Him take control. 

Lyrics to "Waiting for my Real Life to Begin" by Colin Hay:

Any minute now, my ship is coming in  
I'll keep checking the horizon  
I'll stand on the bow, 
feel the waves come crashing  
Come crashing down down down, on me  

And you say, be still my love  
Open up your heart 
Let the light shine in  
But don't you understand 
I already have a plan  
I'm waiting for my real life to begin  

When I awoke today, 
suddenly nothing happened  
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon 
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane  
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again  

And you say, just be here now  
Forget about the past, 
your mask is wearing thin 
Let me throw one more dice  
I know that I can win  
I'm waiting for my real life to begin  

Any minute now, my ship is coming in  
I’ll keep checking the horizon  
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call 
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon  
It's just that times are lean  

And you say, be still my love  
Open up your heart, let the light shine in  
Don't you understand 
I already have a plan  
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

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