Thursday, July 9, 2009

Commentary on life.

So today I was facebooking (the usual) and realized something as I looked at my ads that scroll across the top right of the page. A year ago, my ads were all saying "Engaged?" and selling wedding stuff - very exciting, cutesy things. Now, a year later, my status on facebook says "married" and all of a sudden ALL of my facebook ads are either 1) "pregnant?" or 2) "divorcing?". It is a sad day when marketing gurus for facebook figure out that statistically it makes sense to advertise those two things for newlyweds - they are either making babies or getting divorced.

It seems that it isn't the norm for people to just enjoy each other! My parents waited quite a while to have me (lets see, Mom - 1973 to 1985, so 12 years?) and I feel like their marriage is better for it. I look around me and it seems like everyone I know that is married are either having babies or trying to have babies - and I am really happy for them. They are at a point in their lives where it makes sense. Jake and I, we're not there. We want to just enjoy ourselves, get to know each other as a married couple, and hang out with our friends. It seems even our friends want to lump us in as "different" now. All I want is for people to see me as me, not any different than ever before. I truly feel that while marriage to Jake is important and worthwhile, it did not change me as a person. Jake and I had a healthy, stable relationship prior to marriage and will continue to do so. We didn't need a ring and ceremony to become that way - we wanted to get married to make a commitment to each other, God, and our family and friends but honestly would be just as committed if we weren't married. And I think that is how a marriage SHOULD be.

I see myself as an independent person who can do whatever I put my mind to. For me, now that we're married, I'm not latched permanently to Jake - we rely on each other, support each other, and enjoy each other but do not HAVE to be with each other at all times. While I was away at camp, I missed him but truly appreciated the work I was doing. I knew that being assistant director at camp was where I was supposed to be. The fact that he was so supportive shows the type of relationship that we have - we support each other. As he starts school, I am very aware that he will have a LOT of studying to do. Nights, Saturdays - he'll be studying. And I know that is what he needs to do. His goal, to go to med school and become a doctor, necessitates a large does of studying. If he does well in this program, it could be a step in the right direction towards his goal. And while for me, it is not fun to have a husband who studies all the time, I'll support him because that is what we do.

I struggle a lot with maintaining my identity as me - I've changed my name, I've gotten married, I'm growing up. I see myself as the same I've ever been but people may look at me differently now. I've got a job, responsibilities, bills. I've got a husband. My interests are maturing - I love to read, sew, decorate, shop for antiques, bargain hunt, and so on. Yet as a person, my personality is still the same. I struggle a lot because I've been told I'm not fun - and I let this get to my head. I started to really BELIEVE that I was not fun, I embodied it. If someone said it, it must be so, I thought. And then I started having a conversation with a great friend. They reassured me that I was fun, that they did enjoy hanging out with me. Camp was a big boost for me as well because I had a blast. I didn't worry about anyone liking me, anyone judging me. Camp isn't that - you are who you are. Especially our staff this summer, we really embraced each other and appreciated each other. It was so uplifting. It reminded me who I am.

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